Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
