you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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