Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
