im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
