I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
