just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
