If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
