how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
