I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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