cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
