It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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