I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
