Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
