i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
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My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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