someone get that fucking seahorse.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I believe in your delicious
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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