You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
