Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
