There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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