Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
