my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
