Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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