Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
