I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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