chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
