so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
