I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
