this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
