I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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