Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
