oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
40s are totally the cure
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
