you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole