you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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