remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sex on roller skates
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept