My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This Girlâ€™s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.