hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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