So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
