just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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