My room smells like vodka and shame
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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