He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
