Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
