Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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