Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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