I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
