she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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