You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
