why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
