my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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