Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
