So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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