I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
