drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
