Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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