I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
