If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
