I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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