just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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