I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
