My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
