i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
