The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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