I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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