remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
