There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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