Don't you send me to vm
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
